Friday, June 7, 2013

A Confession

Good morning, everyone. I'd like to spend my time with a confession. This is all gonna come out in the media anyway so I may as well nip it in the bud, so to speak.

I've searched "anal."

I thought it better that everyone hear it from me rather than find out from TMZ, or the government, or my parents. Yes, I've searched "anal." But I had very, very good reasons. I developed a bump, you see, and I needed to research it. That's what the internet is for, right? And I was using an old browser that lacked the parental controls current browsers have and of course computers store all those pictures so - look, the point is I searched it. For medical research. Well, the first time was medical research. The second time I was looking up famous canals and I left off the "c." And you know how surfing goes. One thing leads to another. Honest mistake. I type too fast sometimes.

The third time (I think it was the third time) I searched "anal heat." Now, this was the medical issue again. I was just narrowing my search. Realizing my mistake (the internet had a very different interpretation of those two words) I tried again with "inflamed anal action" and "red hot anal" with similar results. Sometimes you have to work to get exactly what you need. And I'm nothing if not diligent about my anal search results.

I've also searched "anal" in conjunction with some other words. I don't remember all of them but my current history shows "warriors" (I was compiling a list of famous curmudgeons, i.e, assholes), "party" (I wondered if anybody had called either of the political parties the "anal party"), and "oral" (I thought it would be funny if Oral Roberts had a brother named "anal." He does.)

Alright, full disclosure, I just now re-searched "Anal Roberts." There's a whole wing of the internet devoted to it. See? I'm not the first! My point is this: Whether it's me searching "anal" or "amature gangbangers" or "sofa porn" or "he's too big" or whatever it is, I'm just a regular guy with a computer and I've made some mistakes. Like the time I accidentally typed in "anal pix outdoor mountains springtime anal." I was actually looking up recipes for a Chinese soup I'd heard about and remembered the name wrong. It happens!

Whatever. Enough excuses. I've searched "anal" and now you know. And I hope I can count on your vote for Congress in 2016. That's my time. Thanks for coming out to the Anaheim Fairgrounds and Rec Center this morning. And now, let's get this show on the road! Please welcome to the stage, Foghat!

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