Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The first of what I hope is a bunch of NSA / PRISM bits.

Do you worry that They can turn on your cellphone's microphone while you're doing it? I'm thinking Cabin in the Woods. Hadley and the crew are sitting around the NSA monitoring room just listening to you go at it.
YOU: Oh, Silvia! Uh, oh, baby! I'm INSIDE YOU!
HADLEY: Tell her you love her.
YOU: Oh, I love you so much!
HADLEY: Atta boy. 
SITTERSON: Can we get the camera on?
HADLEY: No, don't. I looked him up on Facebook. We don't want to--
(The image comes up on the big screen. All scream in disgust.)
HADLEY: Truman! What the Hell, man? I told you I looked him up!
TRUMAN: But look at her Facebook page. She's cute!
HADLEY: Does that look cute?
SITTERSON: Looks like a moose killing a deer. Or dump truck rolling over on a pumpkin.

HADLEY: You should listen to me. I know what I'm doing.
SITTERSON: Well, change the channel. Geez. My pie's coming up.
HADLEY: Right. Let's try...Malibu. Gotta be something going on out there, right?
YOU: Mmm, gonna blow that ass up like the White House.
(All freeze.)
SITTERSON: What the fuck did he just say?
HADLEY: Play that back!
YOU: Mmm, gonna blow that ass up like the White House.
(They scramble.)
HADLEY: Alright, get SWAT over there NOW. (Grabbing the red phone) Sir? We have terrorist sex talk in sector Z340...yes sir...He says he's gonna blow up her ass just like the White House...well, sir, I'm not as concerned with her butt as I am with the White--but sir, he...yes sir. (Hangs up. Disappointed.) Stand down, Warriors. Cancel the SWAT.
TRUMAN: (Putting down his phone.) Aw, I was gonna live Tweet the bust.
HADLEY: You were gonna what now?
TRUMAN: Er...go get everybody another beer? (Scampers out.)
SITTERSON: Where do they find these guys?
HADLEY: He's ex-Enron.
SITTERSON: Ah. Good times.


Friday, June 7, 2013

A Confession

Good morning, everyone. I'd like to spend my time with a confession. This is all gonna come out in the media anyway so I may as well nip it in the bud, so to speak.

I've searched "anal."

I thought it better that everyone hear it from me rather than find out from TMZ, or the government, or my parents. Yes, I've searched "anal." But I had very, very good reasons. I developed a bump, you see, and I needed to research it. That's what the internet is for, right? And I was using an old browser that lacked the parental controls current browsers have and of course computers store all those pictures so - look, the point is I searched it. For medical research. Well, the first time was medical research. The second time I was looking up famous canals and I left off the "c." And you know how surfing goes. One thing leads to another. Honest mistake. I type too fast sometimes.

The third time (I think it was the third time) I searched "anal heat." Now, this was the medical issue again. I was just narrowing my search. Realizing my mistake (the internet had a very different interpretation of those two words) I tried again with "inflamed anal action" and "red hot anal" with similar results. Sometimes you have to work to get exactly what you need. And I'm nothing if not diligent about my anal search results.

I've also searched "anal" in conjunction with some other words. I don't remember all of them but my current history shows "warriors" (I was compiling a list of famous curmudgeons, i.e, assholes), "party" (I wondered if anybody had called either of the political parties the "anal party"), and "oral" (I thought it would be funny if Oral Roberts had a brother named "anal." He does.)

Alright, full disclosure, I just now re-searched "Anal Roberts." There's a whole wing of the internet devoted to it. See? I'm not the first! My point is this: Whether it's me searching "anal" or "amature gangbangers" or "sofa porn" or "he's too big" or whatever it is, I'm just a regular guy with a computer and I've made some mistakes. Like the time I accidentally typed in "anal pix outdoor mountains springtime anal." I was actually looking up recipes for a Chinese soup I'd heard about and remembered the name wrong. It happens!

Whatever. Enough excuses. I've searched "anal" and now you know. And I hope I can count on your vote for Congress in 2016. That's my time. Thanks for coming out to the Anaheim Fairgrounds and Rec Center this morning. And now, let's get this show on the road! Please welcome to the stage, Foghat!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Today, Edward Snowden made the world aware of a little program called PRISM.

While apologists wanted to act like this was no big deal (All governments do this, I have nothing to hide, If you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing then you shouldn't be doing it, etc), a lot of folks see this as just another step in a direction we do not want to go.