Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's my first subpoena y'all

Tomorrow I have to go to court to testify against a man-boy who beat up his wife. If I say the wrong thing I'll go to jail!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hail Patriarchy: A Return to The Paradigm of the Dichotomy of (Wo)Man

Well, I went and did it. I signed up for a "Cultural Studies" class. A graduate level cultural studies class. This is the 1989 Duke English department on steroids. Back then it was novel, a fun new way to get tenure. Now it's...well, it's organized, for one thing. No more feelings-based syllabi. This class has its own website. I might get, as the professors say, "Intellectually creamed." But it is nice to be back in a room where everybody acknowledges that I (being a straight, white male) have all the power. 'Bout damn time.

Hey, sweetheart? My glass is empty. Not so much ice this time.

Atta girl.

(F for the day, Mr. G! See me after class.)

Here's the plan:
1) Vote McCain (or don't vote. He'll win by "Diebold default" anyway.)
2) Secretly replace Palin with Tina Fey.
3) Schedule a Presidential tour of New Orleans and make sure McCain gets "lost."
4) Tina Fey becomes president.
5) Welcome to the United States of Hilarious!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

You Heard It Here First

When I was growing up, my Dad would predict snow and we would all poo-poo it. We'd learned that Big Joe could predict snow about as well as I could fart Mozart (a skill I only developed later in life). His response to our groans was "Believe what you want but you heard it here first."

So, this entry is devoted to things I think will happen.

1) POLITICS: Obama dumps Biden and hires Bill Clinton to be vice president. A newly discovered "Palin Honeymoon video" becomes the most viewed web clip of all time.

2) TELEVISION: A fight show called "Rome" pits bazaar teams against each other in a round pit of sand. Typical matches include classic Roman match-ups such as giant women with nets vs. midgets with swords.

3) CATS: Bridget and Black make friends and end up sleeping on the same pillow. Adorable!

Opportunity Knocks

I'm trying to raise some money to buy Washington Mutual. If you're in, send me a check!

Pithy Quote From The Old School

With no vote to sell, their motto is "couldn't care less," Time was when their plebiscite elected generals, heads of state, commanders of legions: but now they've pulled in their horns, there's only two things than concern them: BREAD and CIRCUSES.
- Juvenal

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I Love Kansas

Every time I step out of the airport in Missouri and draw that first breath of Midwestern air, I feel like all my concerns evaporate like bacteria under ultra violet.*

I spent five years here and I love coming back. I love the air, the sky, the people, everything. The people at Dollar gave me the World's Ugliest Rental Car but that doesn't bother me. I've got an adapter so I can play my Ipod through the radio and I just bought some new sunglasses. I've got two shows with Der Monkenpickle to look forward to and in the next 48 hours the barbecue content of my blood is going to increase dramatically.

I ask you, what could be better?

*Not an entirely accurate analogy. Bacteria does not "evaporate" under UV exposure but rather goes through molecular changes that render its pathological characteristics ineffective. See Levy and Snoots "Evaporating Bacteria and Other Quaint Conceits: Why English Majors Shouldn't Write About Science." 2004.

Monday, September 1, 2008


I get on these kicks where I have to watch a movie over and over again. I'm gonna start keeping track so I'll know when I need to check myself in to the Compulsion Clinic. This is the third time I've watched PAYBACK in the last week. For all you story people out there, check out how entertaining it is to watch one man go after a very simple goal and overcome the various obstacles placed in his way. Super simple. Super good.

STEGMAN: "You gonna kill me?"
PORTER: "Not in front of these kids."