Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This is some crap!

So I went walking around North Hollywood. There weren't any animated bunnies or birds. And Starbucks still charged me for my cupcake. I thought the Obama administration was all about change!

I Can't Stand It

I need to go see what people are doing. This is not the night to be cooped up with two cats and a virus.  I'ma take a walk.


Vai 2012.

An open letter to Everybody (warning: not funny)

TO THOSE WHO SUPPORTED OBAMA: Please please be good sports in victory. Please rise above the mundane. Please do not make us sorry he won by becoming the worst version of who you are. Most of us will never meet the man but if you represent him and believe in what he says, please act that way. Lead by example. If you want better, be better.

TO THOSE WHO DID NOT SUPPORT OBAMA: Please please allow for the possibility that this could be a great moment for this country. Please allow for the fact that we are on new terrain in more ways than one. Think about it. How different is the country today? Be honorable in defeat. If you want better, be better.

TO EVERYBODY: Please do not mistake televised bickering for thoughtful debate. Please do not mistake egocentric pundits for leaders. And please, please do not give in to the easy judgment of "those other people." Those people that live in wherever. Those people who beleive in whatever. Those people who voted however. Please do not make the arrogant/ignorant mistake of believing that you know how someone else thinks. And know that each time you fall to that easy judgment, you are making it easy for someone else to do the exact same to you. And then to me. Try to understand what you do not. Be a student. Be the one asking the questions, trying to understand. Be the one that everyone, regardless of difference, looks to as an honorable, dedicated American.

And if you get the chance to carpet bomb Sacramento, deal a brother a solid and hit it!

Holy Fucking Shit

CNN just called it for Obama. So many George Clinton songs just became relevant again.


And now FOX is letting their black guy talk a lot.

CNN: The Trip

CNN has this crazy virtual Congress that hangs over a virtual White House. It changes colors and has the faces of the senators...wild.

I might just bang 20 mls of Vick's Dry Cough Personal Care and freak the fuck out.

I'm back on Fox...

Megyn Kelly. Sure, she spells her name wrong (ME g.y.n. is a medical doctor) but she's what's keeping my demographic planted.

The Fox team is eating cookies that Carl Rove brought in, by the way.

Sad.

Is Sean crying yet?

Man, it's only 6:45?

This is gonna take forever. And nobody's even talking about the Diebold Vote yet.

OH MY GOD!

This orange chicken is awesome.

Wait! CNN has a big projection!

Wolf "Under the table" Blitzer just announced they have a big projection but then sent us to commercial. Oh, Wolf, you tease!

I just flipped to Fox. They say Virginia went for McCain. Let's see if that's what Wolf wanted to tell us -- Oh wait a minute. Fox just put McCain campaign woman Nicolle Wallace on. Her haircut is cute!

Okay, back over to CNN. Did I miss it? Wait...somebody's at the door...

Fox is disappointing me

Murdock needs to fire off a memo or something. Brit and Carl Rove are not saying much of anything. Lots of hushed tones, throat clearing and talk about what Bush did in 2004.

West Hollywood is going to be intolerable tomorrow.

Yikes!

I just flipped over to CNN and got a face full of James Carvell.

Get off my television you creepy hairless vampire!

Hunger vs. Tang's China Cafe

6:05 and I got Orange Chicken on the way. The SARS seems to have abated for a moment. So, I'm confident in calling an early win for Ed's Stomach.

Of course, the combination of Chinese funky, wacky vitamins and my nightly JD/lemon Juice/Honey toddy will lead to dreams of a strange, new tomorrow.

New Words, New Idea

Fox is talking about a "Center Left America." Is this the party where Hannity cries?

SHAHEEN vs. SUNUNU

Jean Shaheen beats John Sununu in New Hampshire.

Shaheen Sununu. I think I just found the name for my next bumbling terrorist character.

(In offensive Arab accents)

SS: Where is my bomb belt? I put it right here next to my muffin -- Rahheeb!

(Off screen)
R: What?

SS: Where is my bomb belt? And who bit into my muffin?

R: Shut up, you stupid terrorist! I'm playing Dance Dance Revolution!

(Shaheen Sununu grimaces as he butters a new muffin and grumbles to himself.)

SS: You are next, my friend. Tomorrow you brush your teeth with dynamite toothbrush.

And that's how terror happens.

The End.

Libby Libby Libby is out of office office office

Libby Dole just got fired in North Carolina.

So all you people that distrust my beloved home state can go fall down a hole somewhere.

The Double Bubble!

In Ohio, it seems voting once for your man isn't enough. Some people are also writing in a candidate. So, you have a clear punch for Ralph Nader and then the write in reads "Mickey Mouse and Goofy." So the election officials have to discern "voter intent."

I say once you misunderstand the system on such a basic level, your ballot is tossed out. Disenfranchise that ass. I mean, come on. Nader was kicked off the Ohio ballot a week ago.

Morons.

Black's going nuts - For Carl Rove

As soon as Carl Rove came on to talk about his ponderous chin, Black went nuts and starting ripping around the apartment.

Now she's lurking on the balcony.

Don't worry kitten, that chin is just on television. It can't get you.

Politibits Central - The Set Up

This is great. I am completely pugged in. I have AM 640 on the radio, FOX on the TV, CNN.com and my Gmail running on the laptop. The cats are fully watered and fed, I got Poo Choo's Chinese Yes Yes Yummy Happiness on speed dial and the dry, hacking cough has subsided...

Let the political bitzkrieg begin!

4:00 PST - Here come the results!

Brit "Silky Tones" Hume is telling us about some of the states where the polls just closed. Oh! We're going to Meagan and the map! She just called Kentucky for McCain and Vermont for Obama and there are few others that are "Too close to call." ("Too close to call" is Fox-Speak for "Diebold Wins One for McCain," by they way.)

Man, she's throwing around a lot of stats but all I can think is "Woof, what do I have to do to get Meagan to do a little pole analysis for the Kid?" Bam!

ELECTION Ahhhhhhh Eight

It's election day! Sort of like Christmas when you're fifteen (you know you're getting something but the parents know no matter what you get, you're not gonna like it).

I'm returning to the political bitmosphere because I'm sick and alone.

Let me rephrase.

I'm returning to the political bitmosphere because I'm currently fighting the latest in SARS-like illnesses and am sparing my friends by not attending the Election Night Parties.

It also occurs to me that those "let's all get together and agree" type deals are the situations where you find out which of your friends are political zealots. (Sean Hannity crying type behavior.)

Plus, I sort of hate being in a room full of people agreeing. The sense of humor is usually the first thing to go. "No, seriously, man. McCain is evil."

Today Sean Hannity had his son on the radio show. He asked the boy (so far nameless, I guess) if he could vote, who would he vote for. Boy says "McCain" - shocking! Sean then said he knows his son is a republican because in 2004 every time a state was called for Bush he cried and his son cried with him. Sounds like Sean's raising a little girl in likeness of his mama to me. I knew Hannity was too pretty to be straight.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's my first subpoena y'all

Tomorrow I have to go to court to testify against a man-boy who beat up his wife. If I say the wrong thing I'll go to jail!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hail Patriarchy: A Return to The Paradigm of the Dichotomy of (Wo)Man

Well, I went and did it. I signed up for a "Cultural Studies" class. A graduate level cultural studies class. This is the 1989 Duke English department on steroids. Back then it was novel, a fun new way to get tenure. Now it's...well, it's organized, for one thing. No more feelings-based syllabi. This class has its own website. I might get, as the professors say, "Intellectually creamed." But it is nice to be back in a room where everybody acknowledges that I (being a straight, white male) have all the power. 'Bout damn time.

Hey, sweetheart? My glass is empty. Not so much ice this time.

Atta girl.


(F for the day, Mr. G! See me after class.)


Here's the plan:
1) Vote McCain (or don't vote. He'll win by "Diebold default" anyway.)
2) Secretly replace Palin with Tina Fey.
3) Schedule a Presidential tour of New Orleans and make sure McCain gets "lost."
4) Tina Fey becomes president.
5) Welcome to the United States of Hilarious!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

You Heard It Here First

When I was growing up, my Dad would predict snow and we would all poo-poo it. We'd learned that Big Joe could predict snow about as well as I could fart Mozart (a skill I only developed later in life). His response to our groans was "Believe what you want but you heard it here first."

So, this entry is devoted to things I think will happen.

1) POLITICS: Obama dumps Biden and hires Bill Clinton to be vice president. A newly discovered "Palin Honeymoon video" becomes the most viewed web clip of all time.

2) TELEVISION: A fight show called "Rome" pits bazaar teams against each other in a round pit of sand. Typical matches include classic Roman match-ups such as giant women with nets vs. midgets with swords.

3) CATS: Bridget and Black make friends and end up sleeping on the same pillow. Adorable!

Opportunity Knocks

I'm trying to raise some money to buy Washington Mutual. If you're in, send me a check!

Pithy Quote From The Old School

With no vote to sell, their motto is "couldn't care less," Time was when their plebiscite elected generals, heads of state, commanders of legions: but now they've pulled in their horns, there's only two things than concern them: BREAD and CIRCUSES.
- Juvenal

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I Love Kansas

Every time I step out of the airport in Missouri and draw that first breath of Midwestern air, I feel like all my concerns evaporate like bacteria under ultra violet.*

I spent five years here and I love coming back. I love the air, the sky, the people, everything. The people at Dollar gave me the World's Ugliest Rental Car but that doesn't bother me. I've got an adapter so I can play my Ipod through the radio and I just bought some new sunglasses. I've got two shows with Der Monkenpickle to look forward to and in the next 48 hours the barbecue content of my blood is going to increase dramatically.

I ask you, what could be better?


*Not an entirely accurate analogy. Bacteria does not "evaporate" under UV exposure but rather goes through molecular changes that render its pathological characteristics ineffective. See Levy and Snoots "Evaporating Bacteria and Other Quaint Conceits: Why English Majors Shouldn't Write About Science." 2004.

Monday, September 1, 2008

PAYBACK (#3)

I get on these kicks where I have to watch a movie over and over again. I'm gonna start keeping track so I'll know when I need to check myself in to the Compulsion Clinic. This is the third time I've watched PAYBACK in the last week. For all you story people out there, check out how entertaining it is to watch one man go after a very simple goal and overcome the various obstacles placed in his way. Super simple. Super good.

STEGMAN: "You gonna kill me?"
PORTER: "Not in front of these kids."

Saturday, August 30, 2008

My Political Statement

I can't help it. If Palin wins, Tina Fey will become the most popular female comedian on the planet. I can't pass up the opportunity to support Chicago-style comedy. I'm on the McCain Train!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Enter the Princess

(In a high, prissy voice.) Little Mrs. Blacksikins gots herself a noo woomate today! Yes she did! Kitty want a buddy? A cuddle buddy? Yesh you do! Yesh you do!

(Gunshot, sounds of a body hitting the floor.)

Her name is Bridget. She looks like vanilla caramel swirl and acts like she invented the whole damn thing. Black was not exactly amused but not exactly intrigued enough to get up and actually investigate.

I guess curiosity only kills the cat if said curiosity doesn't interfere with sleeping on the pillow where I put my head.

*This is not a cat blog.

THIS IS NOT A CAT BLOG

Now, I know I talk about Black from time to time. But that's cause she's my roommate, not my life partner. I'm just a guy with a cat. To wit...

I do not have a subscription to Cat Fancy nor do I browse cat magazines at the news stand. And I don't have a "Cats In Action" coffee table book.

I do not have a Cat Calender or any sort of cat imagery in my house.

I am not, nor have I ever been, part of a network, club or support group involving cats.

I buy cat food, shit sand and occasionally a toy. Sometimes treats.

I think all those "I don't own a cat, my cat owns me!" bumperstickers are depressing. And the pictures of bored looking cats with captions like "Keep doing what you do, human. I'll let you know when I need you!!!!" make me vomit on my shirt.

My cat's named Black. She was named that a long time ago by someone else and she's a black cat so it makes sense. I never once considered changing her name to "Mistress Meow Meow," "Fancy," or "Baby Dracula." (Though Baby Dracula would have been pretty damn funny when she was a tiny kitten.)

So don't link me to your damn cat blog. If I want to catch up on "Captain Whiskers' Scratching Post" I'll tun in myself. I'm not supporting "Take your cat to work day." I'm not going to the convention. I'm not drinking the feline flavored Kool Ade.


I'm just a guy with a cat.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Pineapple Express - Our First Premier

I'm interning at a big time Hollywood Production Company and my boss took me to my first premier last tonight. It was exciting to walk down the same red carpets and have my picture not taken by the same photographers as all the famous people. But here's something they don't tell you about in film school: Not only do you get to see the movie for free but they give away popcorn and Pepsi too. What the!

And if that wasn't enough there's a huge party afterwards with open bars and free food. My boss ducked out early. So there I was at the big Hollywood premier, surrounded by people in the same business I'm in, all in the mood to laugh and be social. So, being the scrappy up-and-comer that I am, I think "opportunity time!"

THE TOP FIVE LINES THAT GET YOU NOWHERE AT THE BIG HOLLYWOOD PREMIER PARTY
5) Wow, this is some party!
4) I thought the second act had problems.
3) I'm in film school.
2) I have a penis.
1) I'm a writer.

Now I know what it's like to go to prom alone.  Thank you Seth Rogan.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Hail The Goodness

Hey everybody and welcome to the Blog of Goodness. Or the Goodness blog. Or the...look it's a blog and it's about the Goodness. We've got mac and tuna on the stove, PAYBACK on the VHR and a new kitten in the house. I'm in film school, work for a big time producer in Beverly Hills and just started a new project with some film school buddies.

Life's great!

So, I'm starting a blog to remind myself of the things I want to remember. For instance...